There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
