I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
