im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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