I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Vodka?
Forever.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
