This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
