I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
