Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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