Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
That was an excessively violent trivia night
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
