We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
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