I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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