I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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