I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
