the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
