Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
