I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
A bitchslap is in order.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
