i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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