Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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