Please, let me fuck your mom
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
My Sexting was not on an AP level
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