i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Pants are for mortals
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
