I should be sponsored by Trojan
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Damn victory sex feels great
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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