Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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