I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize