Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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