too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
