hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
