Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize