Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Randomize
