why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
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