we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Come on in and take your pants off
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