highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
