i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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