Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
