you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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