Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
