Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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