I didn't shave. On purpose
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
