she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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