I was born with a shot glass in my hand
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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