Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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