take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
