oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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