her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
