So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
home. puking in laundry basket.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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