Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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