Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
