Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
