Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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