Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
