I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
