my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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