the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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