there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
