Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
he fucked my hip out of place.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
