Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
