We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
my being single is dangerous.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
