fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
